fear

"Your not wanted," screams a voice inside my head.
"just end this neverending battle!" its says.
I fight to stay consious as the waves of nausia rips through my body.
Fighting for the will to live.
When it seems no one other than myself cares at all.
Screaming, taunting, persuading, to end everything is all my mind keeps repeating stubbornly...
"END IT!" it says screams.
"NO! I will be happy one day....one day...."
I say not so sure anymore.
Sounds of amused laughter rips through the darkness.
"You will never acheive happiness...your worthless..." its voice sweetens as if it was trying to help me out, "stop this madness and releive yourself of this pain. You know you yearn for that releif"
I search through my brain for a logical excuse why i shouldnt listen.
I think of friends...whom im sure are disgusted by me...who will get fed up and leave eventually...I think of family...who think im just a recluse....a doll who never leaves her room.
a doll...thats exactly it...no emotion...fake smiles....laughter...to only please the people around me so they wont be sad...
I hang on to the desperate hope of being happy someday...
hope is dyeing fast....
I'll soon have nothing left to hol onto...
clutching at my ears, rocking back and forth hoping to clear my confused mind....
I try and ignore everything...engrossing my mind and body in an imaginary world others created in books..wishing...dreaming....that i had that kind of happiness,
knowing ill probably never have it.
Im becoming more numb with paranoia day by day
Fearing death
Fearing love
Fearing emotion
fearing people
everything...
When did i become like this?
So...empty...
Im afraid of myself...
I need help...
I need releif...
I need strength...
I need hope...
most of all i need the reasurance that i will be happy someday...
I repeat to myself "i will be happy. i will be happy. i will be happy..." over and over.
Im losing confidence in that line day by day...
Im fading away...and im scared...
I dont want to fade away...
i want to live
to love
to be happy, confident, and cheerful...to trust people...i wish so much that i could be normal...to be someone...
i want to be someone.