fake

around and around my head spins from one painful thought to the next,
"Am I crazy?"
"Am I worthless as you say I am?"
I ask myself, hoping, that my mind doesnt answer.
"Why am I so empty?"
my heart feels heavy with the thought of being alone forever.
Not blaming anyone for leaving, who would want to get close to a crazy person anyways?
finally trusting someone leads to devestating experiences.
people always leave eventually. no matter how much they promise they wont.
so i isolate myself from everything.
Pretending to beleive people when they make false promises of happiness that never comes.
Faking smiles and laughter while my head is screaming otherwise.
People always beleivethe false fronts i put up because after so many years of doing so, ive become an expert at faking emotions...
I dont think its a good thing...
I want someone to see through my lies and help me...
Bring me to the reality that was stolen from me so many years ago...
Im so good at this ive given up any hope ive had on someone noticing and rescuing me from myself...
for the rest of my lide i will probably be this shell of the person everyone once knew...
who didnt fake anything..who laughed and smiled with all her heart....who wasnt this fake person who stands before everyone now...who wasnt invisble....who WAS someone....
Im jelous of my past self...
I wish so much to be like her again,
living
loveing
...feeling something...
how have i lived like this for so long...
fighting to be someone i once was and probably never will be again...
Im a faceless person...
Im fake
I want to be real again...
real once more...
forever...real...