Falling apart

What the fuck....Julie brought Logan here for a few hours today, he's downstairs.
I went down to moms room to play with him for a little bit and when i walked in he was watching the backyardagins(most annoying show on the face of the planet) and i picked him up and sat him on my lap while he was eating, and then he looked at me and smiled....he had another fucking black eye and a cut lip....another one! little boys my get scrapes and bruises...but not that many, last week he had bruises on the back of his legs, the week before his whole face was cute up, and before that he had a burn and a bruise on his forhead and a cut lip. He is only a year and 3 months old. this stuff has been happening since Julie decided to play "mommy of the year" and take him from us, whom we have had him literally since he was 10 weeks old. he lived with us.

When he looked at me and smiled and i saw his eye and lip my heart literally broke...i feel so bad because i can't do anything...the CPS here can care less what happens to kids, same with doctors...it hurts alot...
he got off my lap and went and got his train toy and the disk that goes with it and he sat on me playing with it making it whistle and he was laughing....

gah...i felt like crying. everyone knows i don't cry often....only when something really hurts me or im extremely pissed.
i wish i could help logan...i REALLY wish i could punch Julie and that Josh guy in the face.
What kind of mother can she be, she gave her own child away to us at ten weeks old, then when he turned a year old snatched him from the one home hes ever known and drug him off to live with her mom, whom hes never known, and who kicked her out when she was prego.

oh and get this. this is the fucking best part. 3 months ago we took him to the doctor because he was coughing and was sick, they said he had pnemonia, and a bad case of asthma. well guess what, its been three months, we had him almost bette rthe four days he stayed here last week, and now he is back and he is coughing worse than before.

I swear, if something happens to that baby, i will kill her, or seriously injure her, i don't care if i rot in prison for it. that baby deserves so much better than what hes been handed to by that scum of a mother he has.

it kinda makes me wonder, what God is doing up their while hes here suffering, hes only a baby....he doesnt know what hes doing wrong, and why this keeps happening. I keep thinking about Logan when they take him away and i keep thinking about Julie, or that drunken bastard of a stepfather and mother of Julies where he lives beating him....and it scares me because i dont want anything to happen to logan....i love him so much...hes like my little brother.....

Julie has no clue how much she has torn my family apart, it hurts so bad, because when we moved here things were finally getting better for us, finally! Everyone was getting along, not fighting much, that hasnt happend in so long not since that stuff happend in our hometown that really broke our family......then she gives us some hope, she tells mom that she will let us adopt logan when he was 10 weeks old....we got attached to him so much, we love him with all of our hearts.....and then she just snatches the one happiness we all had, and tore our family the rest of the way...to the point i dont think we can fix it now.....

it really sucks...i love my family....i love them to death...i love logan....i dont want to see any of us suffering again....but i guess happiness doesnt last forever huh? everything happy we ever have always falls apart at the seems once we start thinking God finally is giving us something to hold on to, to love......i dont know...im just really hurt right now.....

Why do things always turn out like this? We didn't do anything to deserve this...i think we've had enough tragedy to last a lifetime, cant we have a little bit of happiness? isnt that okay? i dont know anymore. Im just gonna keep being optomistic.....maybe everything will turn out okay.......i really hope it does...i dont think i can handle much more....

confessions

i turned 18 last friday. i know i should be happy, but i cant seem to get myself in the happy mood thinking about it. thinking about anything really. lately ive just wanted to find some way to distract myself from thinking all together, because when i think, i get scared. which i dont think is very normal for a girl my age. i should be thinking about boys, college, friends, make-up, and other things girls my age would be thinking about.

i cant seem to confide in anyone about how im feeling. not even my best friend. whom i tell everything too. sad huh? i dont know whats wrong with me. my heads been spinning in all diffrent directions, thinking about all the stuff thats been going on: thinking about how much i miss logan, my little brother. well not biological, but still, my little brother. how his pathetic excuse for a human took him away from us, the only family he has known since he was 2 months old. im worried. is he scared? does he think we just abandoned him? is he being fed? are they still hurting him, when everytime we would get him back from when julie wanted to play "mommy" in front of her friends and family, he would have bruises or burns. im trying to be strong. i really am. for my mom and dad. for jess. but its hard to keep everything inside, especially with everything i already have jammed inside this bottle im trying desperatly to keep corked.

i hate when people worry about me, i simply hate it. thats why i pretend. to be happy. to not notice how everything has changed. to smile even though when i turn my back they might be talking about me with their vile lecherous tongues. oh, but i should be used to it. the two-faced people, pathetic liars, back stabbers, all of them. maybe im being to paranoid,but for good reason. look at my past, full of liars, theives, two-faced people, backstabbing bestfriends, cheating boyfriends. i mean, who can i trust. who can't i trust? its all so confusing and making my head spin. it feels like im drowning in all this bottled up hostility, hatred, and depression. it hurts. it physically and mentally hurts.

im searching, always searching for the reason God put me here on this earth, surely he put me here for a reason. i here people saying all the time that God is a joke, or that he abandoned us years ago. i dont want to believe it. actually, i refuse to. i want to believe in him. believe that he has happiness planned for me. sometimes i will admit it is hard, with all the things that are going on. all the pain. why would he make me go through this? but then i think, there are people out there who have it much worse than me, and then i feel bad, because look at me? why am i complaining, i have a roof over my head, food, water, a bed to sleep in. i shouldnt be complaining.

i wanna find someone, who will make me happy no matter what, someone i can argue with, cry over, smile whole-heartedly for, someone i will love, and they will love me. is that so much to ask? or is it cliche to think that way this-day-and-age? i hope not. im living with only hope on my side.

Please

I find dreaming harder and harder everytime i try and talk myself into living each day while no one beleive i can do anything.
BEing put down on any of the effort i make is draining my will and leaving me feeling empty and lost.
Im trying so hard to keep this smile so i wont make anyone worry, but their not helping me keep it...
My smile is cracking away.
i dont know how much longer im going to last
ripping away the hope and dreams ive set for myself to give myself a reason to go on.
Everytime you say "yea right"
harmless words?
no, they do more damage than anyone because i look to you for guidance that i so desperatly need.
Your shaking me off as if im a burden
I just want you to notice...
Please notice me.

For someone

Best friends lost from tragic circumstances...
life-long friendships can end in the blink of an eye....
i miss you more than you could ever know..
morose thinking of all the memories we've had together...
Now your living your own life
forgetting the past....forgetting me...
how can you forget the 16 years we've had together so quickly...while im sitting her looking at old photoes crying because of the void it left me with when i went away...
i felt as if the one person i could have hope in.....our friendship....was nothing but an illusion.
maybe it was....maybe im the one who was imagining tthat nothing could ever touch our friendship...
i guess i was wrong...
cause you havnt called in so long...
you left your old house...without telling anyone....without telling me were you were....
not even calling to tell me...
i thought you were dead...
no...your not dead....your ok....our other friend said so...
all i want to say to you is...
thanks for the memories your through away...
i will never forget the happy times we shared those 16 years of our lives...
once again...i miss you....

Si Solus

heartless, trustless, hopeless, loveless, faceless, emotionless...
no friends, no family, nothing.
trapped here in this claustrophobic hole i dug myself so many years ago, so that i could block out everyone...
everything...feeling...love...hope...so that you cant hurt me anymore...
not trusting anyone for the fear of them getting too close and then leaving me behind with my heart attached to my sleeve...leaving me vulnerable...
no i wont get too close or let anyone too close...
ive worked so hard to leave everything a long time ago...
i lost everything because of you.
happieness, my TRUE smile, laughter, trust...hope....the will to go on each day...
your ripped everything from my grasp the day you told me 'i wont hurt you, promise!' then lied and stole away my innocence and my childhood in the blink of an eye...
now all i can do is pretend...
pretend to love
pretend to feel
pretend to be someone
while all the while my mind replays the memories of an innocent little girl screaming, scratching, and begging for an escape while you shattered every dream she had on a foolish impulse...
leaving her battered and bruised...
DEAD on the inside...crying....screaming...
fake on the outside, no longer the person she once was...
no more real smiles...no more love...no more trust...no more hope....
no more anything...while all the while you were laughing at my weakness....and taking advantage of me...
that night everything died, the laughing, smiling, lovable person i once was is dead and gone forever...
and now im left thinking...dwelling...
If only...
If only i wasnt so weak...
If only, If only would come true....

ugh

You know...no one actually understands have terrified i am of losing the ones closest to me...
because if your close to me....then you got past my barriers which are really hard to get past...
in plymouth i have 2 friends i deff dont want to lose...
but one of them is going through a really hard time...and i....i feel so helpless....

information

hmm...ive never really had the patience to keep up a blog....but i really am gonna try with this one. since my family dont know about it i can actually write what im feeling without being worried of upsetting them...
in my other journals like on vf and myspace i have to watch what i say and make sure its nothing to alarm my mom or other family members cause they already think theres something wrong with me cause im not a very social person, and im always in my room reading....and i never hang out with anyone other than the 5 friends i feel actually accept me...
i hate change, and people are trying to force it on me, and its over whelming...
im not the type of person to go out and talk to random people like 'hi how are you? blah blah blah'
the friends i have i trust alot and that is the reason i hang out with them....even though i really only tell one of them things im really worried about, and she knows almost all my secrets...and there are some things i cant even tell her because im so scared that she will look at me diffrently or walk away like so many others have in the past...
the only other person i have ever trusted as much as i do her was my life-long friend mikey, me and him were literally in diapers together...haha... we were inseprable for the whole 16 years of our lives untill me and my family moved from my hometown in Florida to my moms hometown here in Indiana....
now sadly me and him have lost touch because he ran away from home....because him mother was so abusive and a bad addict....ive heard from one of my other friends in florida who he was really close to that he is living in Dothen, Alabama...and has a GF whom he got pregnant(-_-;) and he also has a job....im really proud of him that he could take the stance and be a man....cause God knows he never had that father figure in his life...
I miss him alot, and i really hope we can see eachother again someday....

Ahh....me and my friends, are really excited about next friday (^o^) i mean what true twilight lover wouldnt be?! The movie is finally coming out (^^) and i really hope we get seats before it sells out. lol i already have predicted atleast me, katie, and monkey being kicked out of the theater for getting really pissed off at how much they changed the movie from the book....i mean we already were pissed at the trailors for it lmao (>.<;;) i know its not gonna be as bad as how they made Blood and Chocolate from the book(i dont think anything can be that bad) but its one of my favorite book series, and i dont want them messing it up (T.T)