Si Solus

heartless, trustless, hopeless, loveless, faceless, emotionless...
no friends, no family, nothing.
trapped here in this claustrophobic hole i dug myself so many years ago, so that i could block out everyone...
everything...feeling...love...hope...so that you cant hurt me anymore...
not trusting anyone for the fear of them getting too close and then leaving me behind with my heart attached to my sleeve...leaving me vulnerable...
no i wont get too close or let anyone too close...
ive worked so hard to leave everything a long time ago...
i lost everything because of you.
happieness, my TRUE smile, laughter, trust...hope....the will to go on each day...
your ripped everything from my grasp the day you told me 'i wont hurt you, promise!' then lied and stole away my innocence and my childhood in the blink of an eye...
now all i can do is pretend...
pretend to love
pretend to feel
pretend to be someone
while all the while my mind replays the memories of an innocent little girl screaming, scratching, and begging for an escape while you shattered every dream she had on a foolish impulse...
leaving her battered and bruised...
DEAD on the inside...crying....screaming...
fake on the outside, no longer the person she once was...
no more real smiles...no more love...no more trust...no more hope....
no more anything...while all the while you were laughing at my weakness....and taking advantage of me...
that night everything died, the laughing, smiling, lovable person i once was is dead and gone forever...
and now im left thinking...dwelling...
If only...
If only i wasnt so weak...
If only, If only would come true....