Please

I find dreaming harder and harder everytime i try and talk myself into living each day while no one beleive i can do anything.
BEing put down on any of the effort i make is draining my will and leaving me feeling empty and lost.
Im trying so hard to keep this smile so i wont make anyone worry, but their not helping me keep it...
My smile is cracking away.
i dont know how much longer im going to last
ripping away the hope and dreams ive set for myself to give myself a reason to go on.
Everytime you say "yea right"
harmless words?
no, they do more damage than anyone because i look to you for guidance that i so desperatly need.
Your shaking me off as if im a burden
I just want you to notice...
Please notice me.

For someone

Best friends lost from tragic circumstances...
life-long friendships can end in the blink of an eye....
i miss you more than you could ever know..
morose thinking of all the memories we've had together...
Now your living your own life
forgetting the past....forgetting me...
how can you forget the 16 years we've had together so quickly...while im sitting her looking at old photoes crying because of the void it left me with when i went away...
i felt as if the one person i could have hope in.....our friendship....was nothing but an illusion.
maybe it was....maybe im the one who was imagining tthat nothing could ever touch our friendship...
i guess i was wrong...
cause you havnt called in so long...
you left your old house...without telling anyone....without telling me were you were....
not even calling to tell me...
i thought you were dead...
no...your not dead....your ok....our other friend said so...
all i want to say to you is...
thanks for the memories your through away...
i will never forget the happy times we shared those 16 years of our lives...
once again...i miss you....

Si Solus

heartless, trustless, hopeless, loveless, faceless, emotionless...
no friends, no family, nothing.
trapped here in this claustrophobic hole i dug myself so many years ago, so that i could block out everyone...
everything...feeling...love...hope...so that you cant hurt me anymore...
not trusting anyone for the fear of them getting too close and then leaving me behind with my heart attached to my sleeve...leaving me vulnerable...
no i wont get too close or let anyone too close...
ive worked so hard to leave everything a long time ago...
i lost everything because of you.
happieness, my TRUE smile, laughter, trust...hope....the will to go on each day...
your ripped everything from my grasp the day you told me 'i wont hurt you, promise!' then lied and stole away my innocence and my childhood in the blink of an eye...
now all i can do is pretend...
pretend to love
pretend to feel
pretend to be someone
while all the while my mind replays the memories of an innocent little girl screaming, scratching, and begging for an escape while you shattered every dream she had on a foolish impulse...
leaving her battered and bruised...
DEAD on the inside...crying....screaming...
fake on the outside, no longer the person she once was...
no more real smiles...no more love...no more trust...no more hope....
no more anything...while all the while you were laughing at my weakness....and taking advantage of me...
that night everything died, the laughing, smiling, lovable person i once was is dead and gone forever...
and now im left thinking...dwelling...
If only...
If only i wasnt so weak...
If only, If only would come true....

ugh

You know...no one actually understands have terrified i am of losing the ones closest to me...
because if your close to me....then you got past my barriers which are really hard to get past...
in plymouth i have 2 friends i deff dont want to lose...
but one of them is going through a really hard time...and i....i feel so helpless....

information

hmm...ive never really had the patience to keep up a blog....but i really am gonna try with this one. since my family dont know about it i can actually write what im feeling without being worried of upsetting them...
in my other journals like on vf and myspace i have to watch what i say and make sure its nothing to alarm my mom or other family members cause they already think theres something wrong with me cause im not a very social person, and im always in my room reading....and i never hang out with anyone other than the 5 friends i feel actually accept me...
i hate change, and people are trying to force it on me, and its over whelming...
im not the type of person to go out and talk to random people like 'hi how are you? blah blah blah'
the friends i have i trust alot and that is the reason i hang out with them....even though i really only tell one of them things im really worried about, and she knows almost all my secrets...and there are some things i cant even tell her because im so scared that she will look at me diffrently or walk away like so many others have in the past...
the only other person i have ever trusted as much as i do her was my life-long friend mikey, me and him were literally in diapers together...haha... we were inseprable for the whole 16 years of our lives untill me and my family moved from my hometown in Florida to my moms hometown here in Indiana....
now sadly me and him have lost touch because he ran away from home....because him mother was so abusive and a bad addict....ive heard from one of my other friends in florida who he was really close to that he is living in Dothen, Alabama...and has a GF whom he got pregnant(-_-;) and he also has a job....im really proud of him that he could take the stance and be a man....cause God knows he never had that father figure in his life...
I miss him alot, and i really hope we can see eachother again someday....

Ahh....me and my friends, are really excited about next friday (^o^) i mean what true twilight lover wouldnt be?! The movie is finally coming out (^^) and i really hope we get seats before it sells out. lol i already have predicted atleast me, katie, and monkey being kicked out of the theater for getting really pissed off at how much they changed the movie from the book....i mean we already were pissed at the trailors for it lmao (>.<;;) i know its not gonna be as bad as how they made Blood and Chocolate from the book(i dont think anything can be that bad) but its one of my favorite book series, and i dont want them messing it up (T.T)

fake

around and around my head spins from one painful thought to the next,
"Am I crazy?"
"Am I worthless as you say I am?"
I ask myself, hoping, that my mind doesnt answer.
"Why am I so empty?"
my heart feels heavy with the thought of being alone forever.
Not blaming anyone for leaving, who would want to get close to a crazy person anyways?
finally trusting someone leads to devestating experiences.
people always leave eventually. no matter how much they promise they wont.
so i isolate myself from everything.
Pretending to beleive people when they make false promises of happiness that never comes.
Faking smiles and laughter while my head is screaming otherwise.
People always beleivethe false fronts i put up because after so many years of doing so, ive become an expert at faking emotions...
I dont think its a good thing...
I want someone to see through my lies and help me...
Bring me to the reality that was stolen from me so many years ago...
Im so good at this ive given up any hope ive had on someone noticing and rescuing me from myself...
for the rest of my lide i will probably be this shell of the person everyone once knew...
who didnt fake anything..who laughed and smiled with all her heart....who wasnt this fake person who stands before everyone now...who wasnt invisble....who WAS someone....
Im jelous of my past self...
I wish so much to be like her again,
living
loveing
...feeling something...
how have i lived like this for so long...
fighting to be someone i once was and probably never will be again...
Im a faceless person...
Im fake
I want to be real again...
real once more...
forever...real...

fear

"Your not wanted," screams a voice inside my head.
"just end this neverending battle!" its says.
I fight to stay consious as the waves of nausia rips through my body.
Fighting for the will to live.
When it seems no one other than myself cares at all.
Screaming, taunting, persuading, to end everything is all my mind keeps repeating stubbornly...
"END IT!" it says screams.
"NO! I will be happy one day....one day...."
I say not so sure anymore.
Sounds of amused laughter rips through the darkness.
"You will never acheive happiness...your worthless..." its voice sweetens as if it was trying to help me out, "stop this madness and releive yourself of this pain. You know you yearn for that releif"
I search through my brain for a logical excuse why i shouldnt listen.
I think of friends...whom im sure are disgusted by me...who will get fed up and leave eventually...I think of family...who think im just a recluse....a doll who never leaves her room.
a doll...thats exactly it...no emotion...fake smiles....laughter...to only please the people around me so they wont be sad...
I hang on to the desperate hope of being happy someday...
hope is dyeing fast....
I'll soon have nothing left to hol onto...
clutching at my ears, rocking back and forth hoping to clear my confused mind....
I try and ignore everything...engrossing my mind and body in an imaginary world others created in books..wishing...dreaming....that i had that kind of happiness,
knowing ill probably never have it.
Im becoming more numb with paranoia day by day
Fearing death
Fearing love
Fearing emotion
fearing people
everything...
When did i become like this?
So...empty...
Im afraid of myself...
I need help...
I need releif...
I need strength...
I need hope...
most of all i need the reasurance that i will be happy someday...
I repeat to myself "i will be happy. i will be happy. i will be happy..." over and over.
Im losing confidence in that line day by day...
Im fading away...and im scared...
I dont want to fade away...
i want to live
to love
to be happy, confident, and cheerful...to trust people...i wish so much that i could be normal...to be someone...
i want to be someone.