confessions
i turned 18 last friday. i know i should be happy, but i cant seem to get myself in the happy mood thinking about it. thinking about anything really. lately ive just wanted to find some way to distract myself from thinking all together, because when i think, i get scared. which i dont think is very normal for a girl my age. i should be thinking about boys, college, friends, make-up, and other things girls my age would be thinking about.
i cant seem to confide in anyone about how im feeling. not even my best friend. whom i tell everything too. sad huh? i dont know whats wrong with me. my heads been spinning in all diffrent directions, thinking about all the stuff thats been going on: thinking about how much i miss logan, my little brother. well not biological, but still, my little brother. how his pathetic excuse for a human took him away from us, the only family he has known since he was 2 months old. im worried. is he scared? does he think we just abandoned him? is he being fed? are they still hurting him, when everytime we would get him back from when julie wanted to play "mommy" in front of her friends and family, he would have bruises or burns. im trying to be strong. i really am. for my mom and dad. for jess. but its hard to keep everything inside, especially with everything i already have jammed inside this bottle im trying desperatly to keep corked.
i hate when people worry about me, i simply hate it. thats why i pretend. to be happy. to not notice how everything has changed. to smile even though when i turn my back they might be talking about me with their vile lecherous tongues. oh, but i should be used to it. the two-faced people, pathetic liars, back stabbers, all of them. maybe im being to paranoid,but for good reason. look at my past, full of liars, theives, two-faced people, backstabbing bestfriends, cheating boyfriends. i mean, who can i trust. who can't i trust? its all so confusing and making my head spin. it feels like im drowning in all this bottled up hostility, hatred, and depression. it hurts. it physically and mentally hurts.
im searching, always searching for the reason God put me here on this earth, surely he put me here for a reason. i here people saying all the time that God is a joke, or that he abandoned us years ago. i dont want to believe it. actually, i refuse to. i want to believe in him. believe that he has happiness planned for me. sometimes i will admit it is hard, with all the things that are going on. all the pain. why would he make me go through this? but then i think, there are people out there who have it much worse than me, and then i feel bad, because look at me? why am i complaining, i have a roof over my head, food, water, a bed to sleep in. i shouldnt be complaining.
i wanna find someone, who will make me happy no matter what, someone i can argue with, cry over, smile whole-heartedly for, someone i will love, and they will love me. is that so much to ask? or is it cliche to think that way this-day-and-age? i hope not. im living with only hope on my side.
i cant seem to confide in anyone about how im feeling. not even my best friend. whom i tell everything too. sad huh? i dont know whats wrong with me. my heads been spinning in all diffrent directions, thinking about all the stuff thats been going on: thinking about how much i miss logan, my little brother. well not biological, but still, my little brother. how his pathetic excuse for a human took him away from us, the only family he has known since he was 2 months old. im worried. is he scared? does he think we just abandoned him? is he being fed? are they still hurting him, when everytime we would get him back from when julie wanted to play "mommy" in front of her friends and family, he would have bruises or burns. im trying to be strong. i really am. for my mom and dad. for jess. but its hard to keep everything inside, especially with everything i already have jammed inside this bottle im trying desperatly to keep corked.
i hate when people worry about me, i simply hate it. thats why i pretend. to be happy. to not notice how everything has changed. to smile even though when i turn my back they might be talking about me with their vile lecherous tongues. oh, but i should be used to it. the two-faced people, pathetic liars, back stabbers, all of them. maybe im being to paranoid,but for good reason. look at my past, full of liars, theives, two-faced people, backstabbing bestfriends, cheating boyfriends. i mean, who can i trust. who can't i trust? its all so confusing and making my head spin. it feels like im drowning in all this bottled up hostility, hatred, and depression. it hurts. it physically and mentally hurts.
im searching, always searching for the reason God put me here on this earth, surely he put me here for a reason. i here people saying all the time that God is a joke, or that he abandoned us years ago. i dont want to believe it. actually, i refuse to. i want to believe in him. believe that he has happiness planned for me. sometimes i will admit it is hard, with all the things that are going on. all the pain. why would he make me go through this? but then i think, there are people out there who have it much worse than me, and then i feel bad, because look at me? why am i complaining, i have a roof over my head, food, water, a bed to sleep in. i shouldnt be complaining.
i wanna find someone, who will make me happy no matter what, someone i can argue with, cry over, smile whole-heartedly for, someone i will love, and they will love me. is that so much to ask? or is it cliche to think that way this-day-and-age? i hope not. im living with only hope on my side.
posted by bellaaaaaaaa at
11:17 PM
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